Hi, Sean here from We-Poets, dropping in with the critique you requested.
I see you've gotten lots of praise on this piece, and that's great. It's also an older poem now, a little over a year after you wrote it. So if you don't mind, I'll just play critiquer here to offer whatever suggestions I can think of.
The poem is fine as is! But if I were to edit...
The syllable counts throw me a bit. It felt jarring, so I added them up.
5 These inner feelings 5 I must now release 4 Cure heart from pain 5 And set myself free
5 These chains I remove 5 From my soul and mind 4 So I could breathe 5 Be whole once again
A 5-syllable line is already rare and almost always less rhythmic, and 4-syllable lines are very short. Is the 5545 style one you use often? You were consistent here between the 2 stanzas, so I guess you planned this. Not sure if it's a standard style, but I can't recall seeing it elsewhere, at least in recent memory.
I think if I were to edit this, I'd just pump it up with a few words here and there, maybe make them all 6-syllable lines. Obviously if you don't want to edit anything, I understand, but you asked me to critique this, so I gave you what I could.
That's actually interesting critique you're giving me there since people do not usually pay attention to my syllables.
5-5-4-5 is not actually "planned" from me since I never really plan the formation of my poems much which may be the reason that does not make them look as whole as they could be. I, however, find these short lines a bit easier to make than the basic 6 one. So yes, 5-5-4-5 is purely my own creation (and I do it without even recognizing it).
You can try to edit for fun, see what ya get there
figured it out from
hours.Maybe they had
to take some time.I
know how it goes
from wrong and
sound.Did they ever
hold each other
they ever fightLike
us?We can make it
'til the end.Nothing
image by wchildIf
you like what you
article so it can
reach as many
the images I liked,
while browsing the
Street Galleryand I
think they deserve
Enjoy them, comment
on them and remember
to visit the
Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More