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Submitted on
November 28, 2012
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These inner feelings
I must now release
Cure heart from pain
And set myself free

These chains I remove
From my soul and mind
So I could breathe
Be whole once again
Something that just came into my mind.
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014  Professional Writer
Hi, Sean here from We-Poets, dropping in with the critique you requested.

I see you've gotten lots of praise on this piece, and that's great.  It's also an older poem now, a little over a year after you wrote it.  So if you don't mind, I'll just play critiquer here to offer whatever suggestions I can think of.  

The poem is fine as is!  But if I were to edit...

The syllable counts throw me a bit.  It felt jarring, so I added them up.

5 These inner feelings
5 I must now release
4 Cure heart from pain
5 And set myself free

5 These chains I remove
5 From my soul and mind
4 So I could breathe
5 Be whole once again

A 5-syllable line is already rare and almost always less rhythmic, and 4-syllable lines are very short.  Is the 5545 style one you use often?  You were consistent here between the 2 stanzas, so I guess you planned this.  Not sure if it's a standard style, but I can't recall seeing it elsewhere, at least in recent memory. 

I think if I were to edit this, I'd just pump it up with a few words here and there, maybe make them all 6-syllable lines.  Obviously if you don't want to edit anything, I understand, but you asked me to critique this, so I gave you what I could.  :)

Best wishes,
Sean
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:iconscullreaper:
ScullReaper Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That's actually interesting critique you're giving me there since people do not usually pay attention to my syllables.

5-5-4-5 is not actually "planned" from me since I never really plan the formation of my poems much which may be the reason that does not make them look as whole as they could be. I, however, find these short lines a bit easier to make than the basic 6 one. So yes, 5-5-4-5 is purely my own creation (and I do it without even recognizing it).

You can try to edit for fun, see what ya get there :)
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:iconsun-lily:
sun-lily Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014  Hobbyist
I like your word choice in this piece. The emotion stands really strong also. 
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:iconscullreaper:
ScullReaper Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much.
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:iconrufusmisser:
RufusMisser Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
amazing!!!!!Clapping Pony Icon - Princess Luna Clapping Pony Icon - Twilight Sparkle 
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:iconscullreaper:
ScullReaper Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks! :)
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:iconjayfeather98:
jayfeather98 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
Kifa....i love it. Are....how are you?
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:iconscullreaper:
ScullReaper Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
not good..
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:iconjayfeather98:
jayfeather98 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
Are you alright....? I'm sorry i've been gone and not here for you.
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:iconavadieheart:
AvaDieHeart Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Student Writer
this realy spoke to me. love it:)
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