ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
These inner feelings
I must now release
Cure heart from pain
And set myself free
These chains I remove
From my soul and mind
So I could breathe
Be whole once again
I must now release
Cure heart from pain
And set myself free
These chains I remove
From my soul and mind
So I could breathe
Be whole once again
Literature
Ghost of You
Down on my knees for you
Begging please stop
Picking the good out of me
Heaving on the floor
I need you
But you're killing me
I look in the mirror
My reflection beckons back
Who is she?
Someone falling through the cracks,
That you have made in her broken heart
Someone begging on her knees for you to shut up
Just a girl who wants to be beautiful
Just running from the edge
Into this world unknown
Finding nobody, but the ghost of you...
Literature
As Death Approached
As death approached, the girl just smiled.
"You've kept me waiting for quite a while."
He wonders "Shouldn't death you fear?"
"I've always thought that death was near."
The girl turned away to sink what she said.
"I have always felt I was already dead.
I float through this world without a care.
It's almost like I'm not really there.
So, no I'm not afraid of no longer being.
You can see that I'm already nothing."
Death just nodded. What she said was true.
"Regardless it is time for me to take you."
The girl stood up, all ready to go.
An afterlife she thought, wasn't likely to show.
Death did his duty, and took her away.
The girl finally had h
Literature
Why Do You Do This To Me?
You took my breath away then
Watched me suffocate.
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
Something that just came into my mind.
© 2012 - 2024 ScullReaper
Comments22
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Hi, Sean here from We-Poets, dropping in with the critique you requested.
I see you've gotten lots of praise on this piece, and that's great. It's also an older poem now, a little over a year after you wrote it. So if you don't mind, I'll just play critiquer here to offer whatever suggestions I can think of.
The poem is fine as is! But if I were to edit...
The syllable counts throw me a bit. It felt jarring, so I added them up.
5 These inner feelings
5 I must now release
4 Cure heart from pain
5 And set myself free
5 These chains I remove
5 From my soul and mind
4 So I could breathe
5 Be whole once again
A 5-syllable line is already rare and almost always less rhythmic, and 4-syllable lines are very short. Is the 5545 style one you use often? You were consistent here between the 2 stanzas, so I guess you planned this. Not sure if it's a standard style, but I can't recall seeing it elsewhere, at least in recent memory.
I think if I were to edit this, I'd just pump it up with a few words here and there, maybe make them all 6-syllable lines. Obviously if you don't want to edit anything, I understand, but you asked me to critique this, so I gave you what I could.
Best wishes,
Sean
I see you've gotten lots of praise on this piece, and that's great. It's also an older poem now, a little over a year after you wrote it. So if you don't mind, I'll just play critiquer here to offer whatever suggestions I can think of.
The poem is fine as is! But if I were to edit...
The syllable counts throw me a bit. It felt jarring, so I added them up.
5 These inner feelings
5 I must now release
4 Cure heart from pain
5 And set myself free
5 These chains I remove
5 From my soul and mind
4 So I could breathe
5 Be whole once again
A 5-syllable line is already rare and almost always less rhythmic, and 4-syllable lines are very short. Is the 5545 style one you use often? You were consistent here between the 2 stanzas, so I guess you planned this. Not sure if it's a standard style, but I can't recall seeing it elsewhere, at least in recent memory.
I think if I were to edit this, I'd just pump it up with a few words here and there, maybe make them all 6-syllable lines. Obviously if you don't want to edit anything, I understand, but you asked me to critique this, so I gave you what I could.
Best wishes,
Sean