Here it is, the whole story.
If you have any questions, ask away. I try to remember everything and tell as clearly as I can. Finnish people can also ask for translations if needed.
Now I'll tell about my childhood. And some basic information.
So, I'm 20 years old (turned 24th January). I'm male, basically genred as emogoth/metallist. I have black longish hair, weird colored eyes and kinda pale skin. I'm long; 188 cm.. to British people, over 6 feet. My weight is somewhat 50 kilos.
I live in Finland, country in Northern Europe. I'm winter's child, as you might say. Alltho, I never have liked winter. I prefer warm. Snow is beautiful, tho. I love watching snow, but it's wet and cold so, ew.
My nature.. My real nature.. oh well. I have always wanted to be nice and kind to other people. I respect animals, other people and nature. I will protect everything I love as long as I'm alive. I believe I can handle things with talking and compromising. I'm extremely sensitive also.
However, I have this dark side as every people do. I have had these seasons when I threaten other people, use them as I like and I used to think that I must control everything to keep my life going on. Lately I have realised it's not the way. I also used to betray, I was afraid of leaving my beloved and I felt my love withered away fast with some people. With others my love has always stayed, but I have felt I am not ready to be in relationship with her and then I have switched the person 'cause then it felt right. I might have ADHD or something... which will cause this. Lately I have been more clear with my lovelife and knew when I don't want to be with someone.
I am scary when I get mad - I start to shout, and threat. I tell I'll kill myself, etc. I can't really control it and I might say really mean things. I regret my words every now and then.
I like weird things.. Moon, aesthetic things, fire, ice, wolves and cats, ravens, flowers, dark music.. Angels, vampires.. I believe in them, somehow. I love small things.. Like beautiful-colored eye, all those simple lil things in this world.
And I hate/fear.. doctors, hospitals, needles, sun, summer, cold, spiders and bugs, pathetic people, selfish people, being all alone, being captured, pain..
I enjoy reading and music. I play electric guitar, started to play it at age of 6. I also play keys and violin a bit. My music taste is somewhat metal/classical/soundtracks. Some techno too. I like horror books and movies, fantasy stories, writing all stuff, drawing, coloring... I am very artistic you would say.
I do not have a dream career but I thought of studying psychology.
I am very picky when it comes to eating, and I don't like cleaning and cooking. Alltho I don't want to live in a place where is dirty so I do clean. My stuff might be a mess tho, it doesn't bother me. The actual dirt does.
I don't believe in God. I have always believed in reincarration. I am also interested of old religions and wicca-culture and such things. I am obsessed to magic and supernatural things. That's why I also enjoy playing MMORPGs and roleplaying in forums/messenger.
You can add my messenger, it's email@example.com and it's also my email.
You can also suggest roleplaying forums to me. Currently I am not in any.
I can't stand being bored and that's why I create new stuff for me to do all the time. I also get hyper randomly and anxious randomly. That's my nature nowadays.
In relationship I really want to be with my beloved and all that matters is the nature, not appearance nor gender. People say I am too hooked up to them and that I care way too much.
I wish I had a cat.
I don't remember much from the time I was little, something like 2-7 years old.. I have just few flashes from that time. Bad, bad flashes.. We had some dogs, and cats.. Yes, I remember always having one cat beside me.. A black cat. He never left me alone, he was there, with me. And I liked our dogs.. they reminded me of wolves. They used to howl a bit tho.
My parents were.. well.. my mother was nice.. my father.. well he didnt care that much. He tried to teach me that my duty is to grow up as a strong male and be a "real man", thats what he told. But I liked more the way my mother used to do things and tell to me.. She told me I should do what feels right and always listen to my heart. She was a good person but she was afraid of my father. My father used to beat her if she treated me too well.
I remember I was alone.. and I didn't get along with my cousins or aunts etc.. I was interested of different things and I didn't like to play with cars etc as they did. My aunts thought I was way too curious and that my interests weren't good for my cousins. They are younger than me.
And I asked myself.. is this life. Is this was life is supposed to be. If it is, I do not want to live. I had lot of this kind of questions in my head. What is death? Why we live?
I also learned to know about sexuality and violence too early I guess. I never had a "real" childhood as I lived youngster's life at very early age.
I told that to my mother, and my father. My mother tried to cheer me up and told it's okay.. My dad got mad and told me not to think such things, that people will think I'm mad. He yelled so often.. when I did something wrong.. He used to beat me with his belt and few times he threw me towards wall. He believed in physical punishment and mocking. He was very conservative if you know what I mean.
Now I could tell about my time in what you call as elementary school (7-12 years old I was during the time there)
1-2 grade.. I wasn't bullied really. I just.. I wasn't a "normal boy". I sat alone, mostly, and tried to learn everything possible. I wanted to.. know things.. you see. I was interested of them. And I am still. During my elementary school time I started to read a lot of books. I learned things fast. I could read, write and count numbers before going to preschool or elementary school so I was a bit ahead of some people there. That irritated them a bit. They told me I think I am too smart and such things.
I remember other kids asking me why I am so weird and why I don't want to play with them.. I wasn't interested of their games. Not at all. They had those stupid "war" games and such.
3-6 grade were worse.. Other children knew I was a "weirdo" and they made it clear to EVERYONE in whole damn school. 6th grade was worst.. I fell in grief, despair. I started to write. And I wanted to be different.. to look different.. So I cut this hairstyle of mine and started to use black color in my clothes constantly. I made myself even more weird.. Just for revenge. At the age of 12 I tried to strangle myself with my own hands and of course it didn't work. I was so disappointed and seeked a way to die easily. I had some fist fights in school and few people followed me when i walked to home and I was scared of them. Teachers tried to stop the bullying but it didn't work really, and my parents didn't really care. They told I should solve my problems by myself.
At home.. in that age.. My father started to hate me when I was 11-12 years old.. Because of my hairstyle.. And 'cause I didn't have any friends.. He beat me down. He mocked me. He told I should get normal immediately or he would send me to mental hospital.
He never sent me to mental hospital tho, but I needed to see psychologist. They told I had depression. They also made some psychological tests on me and they told I had psychosis attacks which caused my suicidal way of acting and rage-attacks I got at home and school. When I was irritated enough, I could just start yelling at the irritater and I acted really aggressively allthough I never used much physical violence.
Yeah, I had.
.. I started to cut when I was 12.
With razors, first. After that I moved to knife. It opened me a way to "escape" the world. I escaped the world to internet and roleplaying games too. I think I started them when I was 10 years old. From then to this very day I have been sitting in front of computer playing something or writing something.
Now the next part is my school time in.. junior high school? What you call it? However, the age between 13-16. From 7th to 9th grade..
By the way, my favourite subjects were biology, psychology, english, music. They were and they are to this very day. My least favourites were religion, math, swedish (no offense but I never learned that language well).
I was kinda emo already then, even though I did not listen to emo music. I wear black, my hair was black (and is still, the color remains now), even my damn cat was black.. My comfort was the metal music and role playing games in internet. And writing. Release the pain out, that's what I told to myself in my huge depression.
I felt like an adult then. I felt.. I was alone and I had to take care of myself. I had to cook my own food 'cause my parents sometimes didn't leave any food left to me. I had to do work at home.
School.. was hell to me. I just got enough when others teased me all the time.. Something just snapped and because I was stronger, I started to hit them back if they touched me or mocked me. For revenge, of course. Teachers.. well, didn't like that.. No wonder why I had some detention during this time. Of course they tried to stop the bulliers again but in vain.
Other kids started to be afraid of me. I was taller and more clever in fights than them so they found out to come get me with groups. 4-5 guys at one time coming to beat me down.. how nice. This whole time in school was total hell. Wherever I went.. they followed. Wherever I was.. I heard their damn words. And blaming.
I didn't really bother doing my homework or reading for exams, but my grades were still quite good 'cause I was intelligent and I liked to study somehow.
I thought lot of death at that time and I tried suicide few times. Every time I failed, however. My mother found me or I called help just before success. I don't know why I did that.. Maybe I was too scared of death, or something.. I also cut.. Lot.. Lot.. Scars still remain.. Hundreds of scars.. Maybe even thousands.. My hands are covered with scars.. My face is covered with scars.. My heart is tore apart by scars.
I can't explain all the pain I felt but maybe you know what I mean.
My father told me.. When I was 15.. that I was not meant to born. And I was not his child.. He didn't accept me at all anymore.. He threw me out sometimes during winter and left me freeze there.. Until my mother opened the door for me.
And because of my father.. mom couldn't help me. My father beat her, too. We had a lot of fights at home.. Of me.
He told I'm gay and I'm nothing.. just mad weirdo and that's why I'm worth nothing. I started to get paranoid.. I started to get panic attacks, psychosis attacks, and these persons started to appear, I think.. Not Lucifer, but the rest of them. I started to be obsessed with Death and Grim Reaper and such things. I started to use my nickname Reaper. Also Kifa, which is a short name from KillerFang which I figured out after watching Ginga Nagareboshi Gin (yes I love that anime, GDW was cool too and Wolf's Rain is epic).
I got medication and I was still talking with psychiatrists and all kinds of helpers..but none of them helped me really. Just gave those medics and thought I'd be fine. I wasn't. I never was.
They also switched my medication many times, and they still do. I think my current medication is the best I've had so far even thought it can't truly cure me. I think the healing progress is something where you need more than just meds. You need support, you need your own decisions and willpower to get well and you need something entertaining to do. That's why I am asking advice from you guys too.
At winter during my 9th grade I met my first girlfriend through internet. It was kinda.. I don't know how to describe it. She told she loves me and so on but.. Our relationship was cold, still. I could only think my depression. I didn't meet her often online and we were kinda distant then. I wasn' familiar with love 'cause I hated my father and... I felt betrayed when my mother didn't help me as much as she could have done.
This is one of the hardest things I'm telling here now.. And kinda unbelieveable to most of you.. but please understand.
Summer.. that summer when I was 16.. kinda changed my life.. to much worse.. much much much worse..
So, in June, near midsummer, I decided to take a walk outside when time was like 1-2 AM.. I know.. such stupid time to be outside.. But my parents were fighting, once again, and I couldn't take it really. So I decided to leave for a moment and let my mind rest.. I wandered at the village. The village where I lived were quite small and almost every people knew each other. There was obviously some "mad" people who used drugs or alcohol much or they had some kind of disorders.
I don't know why this happened and why I was the victim.. I guess it was just.. wrong place and wrong time. And I guess the person who did it had some serious problems.
There appeared a man, with gun. He had took something, I think drugs. He didn't walk well and he acted very aggressively. There was people nearby but not near enough to see us two, however. I remember this man shouting something to me, I got scared when I saw the pistol and ran away from him. However, he shot my leg. And my head.. near neck.. Bullet which hit my head did not damage any serious areas.. I'm bad to explain this all in english.. However, I remember the pain in my leg. Then I remember only black. I was told that people nearby had heard the shot and they ran to the spot where I was and the shotter was captured by a police later. I was taken to a hospital and doctors did several operations to my leg. However, some nerves of it were badly destroyed and yet I cannot use my leg very well. It's lot weaker than the other one.
However.. I was in coma 6 months.. since I woke up at december.. near Christmas time.. I spent whole winter in hospital.. I was very weak u see.. and unable to walk, then. I needed to learn walk again.. and my leg is still weaker..
I couldn't really take the truth.. that I was shotted and.. that was too hard for me.. I tried to hide myself, create a shield to protect me..
My girlfriend was there for me, yet she acted nicely and it felt like we had deeper connection after this all. She didn't even believe I was alive at first.. But she was depressed.. and so was I.. So we needed each other. We really did.
Now I tell from the time when I still was together with my girlfriend (from winter after my coma to next summer). At home.. Things were same as always. Fights, my father harassed me.. And we had to sell our dogs. To pay my hospital bills.. We had to sell some other things, too. And our family was poor, then. Father was very mad to me and told me not to eat with them.. So I ate what they left.. or then ate nothing at all.
And of course some social offices here in Finland paid some of my hospital bills, but not all of them.
I couldn't go to school.. I should have been in college already but things were.. changed. I couldn't start it in the middle of the school year so I had to stay home that spring.
At early spring.. I got mad to my girlfriend.. She told some things she had kept hidden from me.. She told she had drunk during new year.. I got so damn mad.. She had made promise not to drink anything or start smoking 'cause I hate both.. but she had made both..
So I decided to get drunk, too. And I can tell ya.. it was no good for me. I tried to kill myself. After that I've been totally absolutist. And will be.
Things were worse.. I was mentally very sick.. Police and doctors and psychiatrists talked to me.. no help. New medicines.. no help. New damn disorders.. I cut, I was angry and depressed all the time..
My girlfriend started to figure out how to use me. First she acted very nice.. Made me believe it'll be okay.. Then.. then she started to do something which got me irritated.. I got mad to her.. Then she angsted and cried so hard I needed to forgive her.. and again everything was well.. This happened.. few times in a row.. this same thing.. happy.. she broke me.. she cried.. she was forgiven..
I told her I'll kill myself.. she told she will too if I do it.. And so on..
Until her stupid friend started to protect her and told me lies about her.. Told that she is betraying me with someone else.. This friend of hers ruined our relationship. She continously told my girlfriend to leave me and she mocked me and my girlfriend didn't care at all, she said she won't mess up with it.
We broke up when a new girl started to talk to me and she told to my ex-gf that she is with me. Well I think she misunderstood me a bit, but then I started to be with her however as my old girlfriend had left me and I learned to like this new one.
(She is the one who lately abandoned me 'cause her friend forced her to choose between me and him).
And now this.. second.. girlfriend.
I was with her from the early fall to the end of the next spring.. and that time was suffering, I can tell ya. There was better times in between, but... I was bit confused 'cause it felt like she just wanted pleasure and comfort and whenever I talked about my problems, it was wrong. That's all. Nothing more. And she told its all my fault. Its my fault she cuts and she is angsty. Oh okay, then its my fault.. But I couldnt leave her.. I was afraid that she would really do something to herself.
At November she actually left me for a while and when I was free.. Well, I felt good with my friend (who is still my friend) and I was with her. I was with her from November to December.. but she just couldn't handle it. She was afraid of relationships, you see. And I understood her. I never hurt her but I didn't want to harass, so we broke up and were just friends. Maybe better like that. I still am very happy she was there; otherwise I may have killed myself 'cause I was so depressed back then.
This friend I still have, luckily.
Then, this earlier girlfriend wanted me back and I had no choice really.. At winter my cat died.. and she.. she didn't care at all. After that.. I started to do whatever possible to get her away. I started to hurt her and call her names to scare her away.. I wanted to get rid of her so badly. And she did.. She let me left her at the end of the spring.. I felt so messy back then and I didn't know really what to do.
At home during this whole time.. Things weren't changed. Except I was in college, started my first grade there. Year later than others in my age but it was okay.. In college all avoided me and I still got mocked and teased a bit but not so badly as during junior high school. My grades were ok but they went bit down. This college is what you call senior high school I think.
When I got rid of my girlfriend, I was already fallen in love with a girl called Yaki. She was so sweet even then alltho I had to do some work to see through her shell.
We started our relationship in May 16th day.. Year 2010.
At the same time (yes I was REALLY pathetic back then) I was with another girl 'cause I was messed up with my feelings. However, with this other girl we broke up pretty quickly 'cause we both had bad depression problems. I was too afraid to tell to these girls that I was with them both, and I felt bad about it.
We had fought thro all kinds of fights and hard parts of our life and we were together almost 2 years. Alltho we had some breakups and I am no longer with her... I left her, for the last time and I will never trust Yaki again, I will never take her back. This is a promise I will keep. There was really bad things between us.. trust issues, fights, harassing, threating... And she is with another one alltho she told she could never be in a relationship again. I feel so hurt when I even think about her.
During this whole time.. I have been in hospital few times 'cause of my suicide plans.. She has tried to heal me but still I remain as broken.. Always someone else came back to break me you see. And she broke me, too. I broke myself as well..I had my ribs broken once when I was hit by a car. It was an accident what comes to the driver.
And I left my home when my father told he will kill me.. Now I live in foster.. and will live.. No idea what I am going to do, I need to leave from here at next January as I turn 21 and then I need to live alone somewhere. Maybe social workers give some living aid to me tho.
I am currently not in school, but I am returning there next year and finishing senior high school.
After Yaki I have been with one of my ex's and few others but none of them felt really right... Except sweet Shattered Angel, and now I regret leaving her. I hope she will forgive me.
I also have been raped. By another male. I wandered at nightime in streets (will I ever learn?!) and he decided to have some fun by using me. It hurt and now I am bit afraid of sexual things etc.
I think there was all... most likely. Tell me if I am missing something important you'd like to know.